


A Kiss in the Dream House

by Allthephils



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Job, Casual Sex, Closeted Character, Dream Sex, Dream interpretation, Friends to Lovers, Hand Job, Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Sexuality repression, minor blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-17 19:28:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13665750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allthephils/pseuds/Allthephils
Summary: Dan's not worried about the dreams he's been having. He's got them all figured out. It's simple really and it's definitely not anything that he's kept buried for years, nothing that he's afraid to face.Title is from a Siouxie and the Banshees album.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The V-Day video is used as a plot point.  
> I mean no disrespect to Dan and Phil. I assume absolutely nothing about real life Dan and Phil. This is fiction.

 

Dan stood knee deep in clear water, mist cool against his face. He could just make out Phil’s shape behind the curtain of water. He watched intently as this man, this vision, walked forward through the fall, head tipped back slightly. As he emerged, Phil ran his hands up over his face and pushed the rushing water back through his hair. Step by step, he moved closer to Dan through the water, his naked form glistened wet in the filtered light. So much smooth, pale skin, a stark juxtaposition against the backdrop of graphite colored rock. Dan’s body flooded with warmth and he reached a hand out to Phil’s hip, inviting him in. He felt a strong hand slip behind his neck, their two bodies close together now, their erections between them. Phil pressed a soft, wet kiss to Dan’s cheek. He moved to his ear and between ragged breaths, he whispered, “Daniel.” Phil pulled back just enough to to reach between them and take Dan’s cock in his hand, stroking softly. Dan moaned, barely audible and the pace increased with perfect pressure and just enough intensity. Phil’s voice in Dan’s ear was low and hungry, “Do you want me, Dan?”

 

Dan opened his mouth to sigh his response but Phil cut him off, “Dan, are you up?”

 

Dan smirked, “am I up?” He glanced down at his hard cock in Phil’s hand then back into Phil’s impossible blue eyes. “Um, not for long if you keep this up.” He purred into Phil’s neck, “I’m close Phil.”

 

“Dan, I’m sorry but you said you’d help me edit today and I have so much to do. I’ll make some coffee, don’t go back to sleep!”

 

Dan’s mind whirled with confusion. He felt the hand on his cock working in earnest and he squirmed in his sheets. His sheets? Phil’s lustful expression faded with the background as Dan’s eyes blinked open to stare at the grey ceiling. Well, fuck.

 

Dan’s cock sat throbbing in his hand unwilling to give up the ghost. He quickly rubbed one out, cursing his ridiculous mind for conjuring up such a dream. He felt uneasy, guilty even. It would be written all over his face and he would certainly not be able to look his best friend in the eye over coffee just now. He was sure a scarlet H for hand job was emblazoned on his forehead. He grabbed his phone and googled  _ waterfall dream interpretation,  _ assuming the whole hot best friend stroking his dick part would become clear once the symbolism was all worked out. In dreams, he read, ‘a waterfall signifies a radical shift in one’s understanding of self, even as the material details of life remain unchanged. The river’s composition stays the same as it falls but this new direction brings with it a far greater impact. A waterfall is symbolic of an overflow of emotion and the new, powerful identity that follows.’

“What the hell does that mean? I’m not overflowing with emotion, geez, I’m just horny.”

 

Dan continued to mumble to himself as he headed for the shower. Flashes of Phil’s lean body moving through the waterfall invaded his mind as the shower splashed down onto his head.

“Holy hell, I need a girlfriend.” He washed as fast as he could and got out of the dream simulator that his shower seemed to have become. He threw on some joggers and a big oversized jumper and headed downstairs. 

 

Phil sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and scribbling something in his notebook, an amused look on his face. Dan’s high school musical mug sat opposite him and Dan bristled at Troy Bolton’s knowing grin. He flumped down into a chair and grabbed the mug of coffee.

“That’s probably cold, guess you weren’t  _ that _ close.” Phil cast a judgey glance at Dan.

“Close to what? What are you on about?”

Phil stood and took the mug from Dan’s hand, walking to the kettle. “When I asked if you were up, you said you were close.” He poured the cold coffee into the sink.

Dan’s cheeks went beet red as his waking moments rushed back to mind. He was suddenly very glad he didn’t have a mouth full of coffee right now. He’s not sure how he’d explain an actual spit take to Phil first thing in the morning.

 

“You know what, Phil, I think I’ll run out for coffee... Thanks so much... I’ll get you a pastry… on me. It’s the least I can do...uh... for making you wait for me. I uh, I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

Dan practically ran to get his shoes and get out of the apartment. He couldn’t understand why he was so mortified. Phil and Dan had been friends for 4 long years, living together for half of that. They certainly didn’t have any secrets left. Dan has heard Phil have sex through the thin walls and Phil has made fun of Dan for having morning wood when they’ve shared hotel rooms. Hell, they’d even played a little ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ on Skype back when they had just met. That was a long time ago though. Everyone experiments at that age, right? Dan stopped in front of the Starbucks. Usually he’d continue past it to the little independent shop a half a block up but he owed Phil one for sleeping in so he went inside. He ordered two danish, two sugar cookies, and two caramel macchiatos. They’d both be back asleep by noon after all this sugar but Dan thought it would be worth it to see the way Phil’s eyes light up when he gets surprised with a sweet treat. He imagined Phil leaping up from his chair to grab the food from Dan, his eyes wrinkling at the corners as he grinned with his tongue poking between his teeth. Dan stopped on the sidewalk, hands full, and shook his head briskly. Dan felt overwhelmed for a moment. He tried to make sense of what was happening to him, his eyes felt wet. The words, ‘overflow of emotion’ played in his head.

 

“oh for fuck’s sake” he grumbled out loud, startling a couple passing by. He stomped the last few feet to his front door, determined to stop obsessing over this nonsense. It was just a dream, he’s just tired, and caffeine can fix anything. 

 

Dan closed the door behind him and took a deep breath. He climbed the stairs and headed toward the dining table where Phil had moved his operation. He sat at the computer they shared for editing, sorting through footage for the day in life in London video they had planned. Dan handed Phil his macchiato and set a bagged danish in front of him. He sat down at the table and sipped his way too sweet coffee. Phil jumped a little and sat higher, resting on one folded leg. His eyes twinkled, like they do, “What’s all this?” He peeked inside the paper sack. “Ooh! Thanks Dan!”  

 

Dan watched the most responsible man he knows giggle as he bit into his favorite guilty pleasure. He would never grow tired of making Phil happy in these small ways. Phil let out an exaggerated moan of appreciation as he washed his danish down with sticky sweet, caramel coffee. Dan smiled involuntarily, “There’s more where that came from.” 

 

Phil raised his brows in anticipation, his mouth full of danish, “reawy?” He caught a few escaping crumbs with the tip of his tongue. Dan laughed out loud and shook his head. “Didn’t that mum of yours teach you not to talk with your mouth full?” He handed Phil a napkin. “There’re cookies for dessert.”

 

Phil swallowed and gulped his coffee. “Cookies? What is this, my birthday?” He grinned and pointed those perfect eyes right into Dan’s. ”Really though, you never go to Starbuck’s, what’s the occasion?” 

 

“Can’t a guy treat his best friend to breakfast?” Dan couldn’t pull his eyes from Phils. Why did they have to be so blue? Phil had made short work of his danish so Dan handed over an ice cream cone shaped cookie. He hadn’t touched his own pastry, his stomach felt fluttery ever since he’d arrived at home. Phil smiled and turned his attention back to the computer screen. Dan didn’t realize he was still staring until Phil bit into his cookie and let out a small “mmm.”

Dan felt that little mmm right down to his groin and he bit his lip, letting the tiny sound sink in to his imagination. 

 

“So, was the cookie a ploy to get out of editing or…”

 

Dan jumped, “oh! Sorry, I’m so out of it today.” He scooched his chair closer to Phil’s to share the view. On the screen, Phil perched atop a lion in Trafalgar Square. That had been a great day. Dan mostly watched as Phil worked but he gave feedback and suggestions and they laughed so much. They always did. Dan relished in watching Phil in his element like this and in the way they so easily found a rhythm together. It was no wonder Phil found his way into Dan’s dream. He was Dan’s partner in almost every way. The Phil in his dream must have represented synergy, partnership. Of course, it all made sense now. Dan was feeling the positive changes in their lives, the deepening of their friendship, the upward trajectory of their careers. Their channels had reached impressive milestones and they’d attended so many events this year already. None of this would have happened without Phil. Dan  _ was _ emotional, he just needed to let himself feel all the gratitude rushing in.  

 

Dan watched as Phil added titles to an image of him and Phil fist fighting in onesies. Phil was pretty deeply into his work and didn’t seem to note Dan’s extended silence. Dan just stared at his best friend as he did what he loved to do. None of this would have happened without Phil. The thought played over in his head. Then another thought appeared, Phil, behind the waterfall, naked. Dan analyzed once again. This was Phil, in his purest form, walking through the rush of change to help Dan make his impact. Isn’t that what he’d always done? What had he been so worked up about? It’s all metaphor. It wasn’t really a sex dream at all. The Phil in his dream was there to remind him that this partnership was right, lest he ever doubt it. His psyche was encouraging him to trust the change that was coming. He could be sure Phil would always be there to lend helping  _ hand?  _ Hmm. He might have to do some further analysis of that part. The subconscious reveals itself in mysterious ways. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things definitely took a turn with this chapter. I didn’t mean for the tone to change so abruptly but that’s where the story wanted to go. I have updated the tags. I hope you enjoy it!

There was a knock at the door. Dan glanced at Phil from his spot on the sofa. They sat just a few feet apart, laptops perched on their respective knees. Phil kept scrolling, his gaze fixed to the screen. “That’ll be the post.”  
“Yeah. so... Don’t keep Callum waiting.” Dan reached across to shove Phil’s shoulder. Phil chuckled and sent back a sideways glance. “Callum? are you on a first name basis now? Well, well, well. You didn’t seem to mind fetching the post yesterday... when it took you ten minutes to sign for a package.” There was another knock at the door.  
“Oh fuck off.” Dan tossed his macbook on the cushion beside him and huffed toward the stairs. Phil giggled to himself and shouted over his shoulder, “Tell Callum hi for me!” Dan threw his middle finger up to the empty stairwell behind him.  
Phil heard the door slam and heard Dan stomp up the stairs. “That was fast. Was Callum’s summer uniform too much for you?” Phil shook his head wistfully, “That man has some nice gams.”  
“Go for it, mate, I’m sure he hasn’t gotten far” Dan tossed a package to Phil. “It’s from Peej.”

Phil squeaked in fear and ducked his head, barely catching the large envelope. He set his computer aside and opened the flap, pulling out a stack of paper, bound by brass brads.  
“It’s the script for Forever Train. I told him to email... we’ve only got a couple lines.” Phil paged through the booklet. “I think whole video is gonna be under ten minutes...but he insisted on this way. It’s never just a video with PJ.” It was far more than a script. There were character sketches and storyboards. There were hilarious back stories, even for Dan and Phil’s minor characters.

Dan had long since settled back into his sofa crease when Phil handed the dossier over to him. “This is going to be so fun.” Phil buzzed with excitement, he adored PJ in a way that always left Dan feeling a little outside. He hoped working on this project would help him get to know PJ better. Maybe he could finally invade Phil and PJ’s fortress of inside jokes. Taking the booklet, he skipped through to the concept sketches for his character. He laughed as he took in the wild imaginings of a friend who remained an enigma to him. Finding their scene, he read the few lines they would exchange as Daisy and Collin, a couple of married newspapers on the train. “What the actual fuck, Phil?” Dan’s calm voice belied the knot of panic rising in is gut.

“What’s wrong?”

“Did you know about this?”

“About?”

“These characters?” His words grew louder each time he spoke. “These lines? What the fuck, Phil! This isn’t a joke. The shippers are going to take this and fucking run with it, aren’t they?!”

“Hold on, Dan. Why are you getting so worked up about this? It’s for laughs, we’re like an old married couple. Our friends all say it. It’s funny.” Phil wasn’t about to reward Dan’s overreaction with anything other than dismissal. “PJ doesn’t even have that many subscribers.”

“Are you joking? Do you honestly think he’s not going to get a view from each and every one of those rabid little vampires? I’m not doing it. I’m out.” Dan walked in to the kitchen, mostly for dramatic effect. He always got theatrical when he was angry. He leaned against the counter, seething. He looked angry but that’s not what he felt. What he felt was a lump in his throat and a twisting fear in his stomach and something in his chest akin to guilt.

Five minutes passed. Phil stood in the kitchen doorway. “I texted Peej. I thanked him, told him his project looks amazing. Let him know we can’t wait to be a part of it. Filming is at the end of next week.”  
Dan remained still, afraid that if he spoke, he may let the sob in his throat escape.  
“PJ is our friend, one of our best friends, Dan. Don’t forget that neither of us would be where we are without him. We are doing this with him and I am going to assume that you will come around to the idea once you have gotten over your fear fueled, self hatred pity party.”

Dan’s head snapped up to glare at Phil. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Phil sighed, exasperated, “I don’t have time to catch you up on years of therapy, Dan. I’m leaving for the Blackberry trip in a couple days. I have to get something filmed to put up while I’m gone. Wouldn’t want to deny the vampires that literally pay our bills. I’ll be in my room.”  
And just like that, Dan was alone. He’d let his fragile masculinity take the lead and he’d pushed Phil away. Again. Funny thing was, Phil was the only thing that ever made him feel like a man. With Phil, the man he was was enough, no one else’s definition of the word mattered. Dan went to his bedroom and just got the door closed behind him as the tears broke through.

Dan’s back was to the door, tears slowly traced a path down his cheeks. He braced himself, taking deep, slow breaths in an attempt to stifle the sobs in his throat. He squeezed his eyes to quell the tears. He swallowed hard and walked to his bed, sitting on the edge. Dan lowered his head to his pillow, legs still dangling from the side of the bed, then pulled his knees into his chest, making himself as small as possible for a man so tall. Just now, he was tired of taking up so much space. Dan closed his eyes and sleep soon drifted in.

Day stretched into early evening and the light grew soft and muted. The window was cracked open a bit to allow for the summer breeze to cool the room. It was peaceful in spite of the sound of rumbling trucks and screaming sirens coming through every so often. Dan felt the bed behind his back sink but he didn’t move until a hand on his shoulder was pulling him off his side. He allowed his head to lull over and saw Phil lying next to him. He wore black joggers low on his hips and nothing else. This man and this sleepy evening room felt safe, insulated from the outside. Dan turned to face Phil, nestling his head into the space between his neck and shoulder. He crooked one leg over his thigh and slung his arm over his chest. Phil kissed Dan’s head and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. Dan felt the warmth of skin against his cheek. It felt like being a child, rocked in his mother’s arms. Not that he remembered his mother ever doing that and no one had ever been this tender with him, no one but Phil.

Dan tipped his head back in a silent request. Their lips met in a soft, chaste kiss. They came together again and again, lingering longer each time. Each kiss firmer, wetter, hungrier than the last. Phil’s ran his tongue along Dan’s bottom lip and Dan licked into his mouth in reply, pulling himself over to lay directly on this familiar body. Phil’s hands found hips to hold and pulled their bodies impossibly close. Dan drank in the taste of Phil, he savored the feel of his shape under him, wishing he could do away with his own shirt to experience all that glorious skin. He gasped, having not come up for air for some time. Phil took the opportunity to trail kisses over Dan’s throat. There was a rush of heat through his body and he ground his hips forward into Phil. The foundation of safety and comfort under Dan began to shake. The bed seemed to lose it’s stuffing and they were sinking, no, he was sinking.

Dan fell through the ether of his best friend, through the fog and kept falling. He twisted his body and reached for Phil, arms and hands scrambling for purchase. All they found was nothing. He cried out for Phil, but again, nothing. As the distance between them stretched, he saw the most important thing in his life, perched on his knees, peering down at him. Phil’s expression was stoic. A drop of warmth hit Dan’s cheek, and then another. He wiped it away to find red, warm blood. It dripped slowly from Phil’s heart, now exposed, outside his chest, wrapped in thorns. It was a grotesque painting in a baroque desert church. Phil stood, brushed his hands on his thighs, and, covering his heart with one hand to staunch the bleeding, walked away. Dan gave up. He fell fast, eyes closed until suddenly, solid, soft ground.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan’s back hit the bed with a small bounce, eyes fluttering quickly open. He rubbed his hands over his face and took in the sight of his room. It was nearly dark, he stretched an arm and clicked on his bedside lamp, squinting at the brightness. Grabbing a towel, he headed for the shower to wash away the hurt and shame that clung to his skin.  


 

Phil took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He’d been staring at a screen for nearly 6 hours.  _ 6 hours? _ He realized he hadn’t heard so much as a cough from Dan in all that time. Replacing his glasses, he closed his laptop and went to check on his best friend, his frustrating, exasperating, neurotic best friend. Phil resolved to insure Dan was ok and then promptly leave him to fend for himself. It was no longer healthy for Phil to comfort Dan if it meant that Dan could go back deluding himself and pretend that nothing is wrong. Phil decided a while ago that he wouldn’t be a part of that story anymore. He loved Dan too much to continue enabling his self destructive behavior.  


Knocking at Dan’s door, Phil braced himself for the onslaught. Dan would be angry for at least another day before he moved onto to denial and dismissal. “Come in.”  

Phil pushed the door open to find Dan, shirtless, in Muppet pajamas, drying his hair with a towel. Phil’s annoyance melted away at the sight of Dan’s curling hair.  _ Who am I kidding?  _ He thought,  _ I’d do anything for him.  
_

“Aren’t those my pajamas?”  


“Yeah sorry, I need to do laundry.”  


Phil’s raised an eyebrow.  


“These were in the dryer and they were warm, I couldn’t resist.” Dan raised his eyes to meet Phil’s. “I’m only human.” 

Phil smiled a fond, crooked smile. He cursed the butterflies in his stomach. 4 years in and after all that had happened between them, you’d think his body would stop reacting this way. 

“Are you doing ok? I haven’t seen you since ...”  


“Yeah, I’m ok, I took a nap.”  


“A nap? For like 5 hours?”  


Dan pressed his lips together and shrugged.  

“Phil?”  


“Yeah”  


“Do you ever think about dreams?”  


“Like hopes and dreams?” Phil sat on the bed, sensing this might take a while.  


“No, like sleeping dreams.”  


“Oh, yeah. I mean, I don’t always remember my dreams but they tend to be pretty bizarre when I do.”  


Dan moved his head left to right in an expression that said,  _ of course they do.  
_

Phil continued, “It’s pretty cool when you get into it though.” Phil spoke quickly now, like he’d had three cups of coffee, like he always did when certain wondrous parts of his brain were stimulated. “There was this one time when Martyn and I had an argument about what to do for mum’s birthday. He got pretty personal about how often I visit and how I moved away. I was pretty mad and I felt kinda guilty. Anywho, I had a dream that night where I was a sheepdog and I fell asleep on the job and all my sheep dove off a cliff into the ocean and died.”  


“Wow.” Dan climbed onto the bed and sat crossed legged leaning on his knees and twisting his towel around his arms.  


“I know, right? Turns out, in dreams, sheep represent family, specifically siblings. The ocean is a symbol for your mother. So clearly, I felt guilty for being less involved with my family than I’d like to be, and I felt responsible for some nonexistent family drama I made up in my head. Maybe I was also working out some anger at my brother for using our mum as a reason to argue when really he was just stressed out.”  


“Hmm. That’s seriously cool, Phil. So why were you a sheepdog then? Why not a shepherd?”  


“I don’t know, I think I just like dogs. That part might not be that deep.”  


Dan chuckled softly. “So you’re into all that then? Like, dream interpretation or whatever?” 

“Totally, Cat and I talked about doing a collab about it once but we were drunk so it never happened. We should do that…

But yeah, you know me, I love all that mystical stuff.”  


“Ok, but this isn’t like tarot cards or something. This is the subconscious mind sorting what’s important from what’s not, working out complicated emotional scenarios.” Dan was eager to keep this conversation rational. “There must be some science to it.”  


“Don’t ask me, mate. That's just what google told me. What’s going on? Having some weird dreams?”  


Dan stared down at his fingers, fidgeting with the towel. He sucked in a breath. “A few weeks ago, I had one. It wasn’t particularly unusual, but it was so intense, so real. And then today, I fell asleep in a pretty emotional state, and I had the most fucked up dream.”  


Phil leaned back on his hands. “I’m sorry Dan, we aren’t supposed to go to bed angry.” 

“Isn’t that for like, married couples?”  


Phil let out a huff, “I think it’s appropriate in all kinds of...relationships.”  


“Well, you didn’t know I was going to go to sleep. It was just so real. I felt it in my body, like... the fear. It’s still in my gut.”  


Phil saw the fear in Dan’s eyes, he knew it well. He wanted to pull Dan into his arms, hold him there until he felt safe again. Instead he quipped, “You’re in luck, Danny boy. I happen to be very adept at googling and pretending I know things. That’s why I’m a Youtuber!”

Dan grinned and his dimple made the first appearance of the day, sending sparks to Phil’s heart. “Meet me in the lounge, I’ll make popcorn! But put on a shirt, already. Your manly pecks are distracting.” He grinned, tongue poking through his teeth as he stood to leave. Dan threw his towel at Phil’s head. “Whatever you spork, I’ll be right there.”  


 

The smell of popcorn wafted from the kitchen. Dan settled into his sofa crease, opened his laptop, and typed  _ dream interpretation  _ into the search bar. Phil hugged a huge bowl of popcorn to his chest, freeing up his hands to hold 2 glasses of Ribena. He had a pad and pen in his mouth, which he dropped onto the sofa. “One Ribena for the gentleman.” Phil handed Dan a glass and sat next to him, close enough to browse together. He pulled the coffee table closer and set the bowl down, taking a huge handful of popcorn and stuffing it all in his mouth.  


“Have some decorum please.” Dan said as he reached for his own modest mouthful.  


“What for? It’s just you.” he picked up the pad and readied his pen.  


Dan rolled his eyes pointed to the screen, “So what do you think? DreamDictionary.com or  Dreamsecrets.com?” 

“Ooh, Dream Secrets! That one sounds mysterious.” Dan clicked and slid his laptop onto Phil’s lap. Phil wiggled, giddy with excitement, partly because he loved this stuff, but mostly because he was helping Dan. “Ok Howell, should we start with the first dream?”  


Dan thought for a moment, remembering the dream from a few weeks back. He blushed just a little. “Nah, I think I have that one figure out. Let’s just focus on the one from today.”  


“Suit yourself. Ok, Dan, rest your head, close your eyes.” 

Dan’s head lulled back against the sofa. “Phil?” He didn’t wait for a response, “ Thank you. Today was really rough. Thank you for putting it aside and just being a good friend.”  

He let his eyes close and took a deep breath.  


Phil’s chest felt tight at the word “friend, and again he wondered when his body would fall into line. “Of course, Dan. Now breath deep, relax, allow yourself to be heavy. Sink into the sofa. Tell me what you remember from your dream.”  


Any other day, Dan may have laughed at the therapist act Phil was putting on but Phil’s voice was soothing and Dan’s mind wandered back to his bed a few hours ago. 

“I was in bed and then I was falling. You were there, I was falling through you.”  


“Through me? But you were next to me?”

“Yeah, I rolled on top of you and then I fell through you.”  


Phil cleared his throat, “mhmm. Did anything happen between rolling on top of me and falling?”  


Dan shook his head and shifted a little in his seat, “no.” 

Phil scribbled a note. 

“My bed was gone and there was just a hole, a black hole with jagged edges. There was nothing to grab a hold of. I tried to cry out but I didn’t have a voice.”

Dan heard his heart beat in his ears and he took a shaky breath.  


Phil had been writing so fast but he stopped and set his pen down. “Ok, it’s ok Dan. Slow down. Where was I?”  


Dan took a long breath and exhaled through his nose. “You were at the edge, looking down at me. You had no expression. And I could see your heart and it was bleeding.”

“Bleeding? Like my chest was open?”

“No, like on the outside of your chest, and it was wrapped in thorns. But you put your hand over it and you walked away and I just fell. Till I woke up.” Dan’s hands were clenched into fists and Phil touched one to encourage him to release it. Dan shook both hands and ran one through his hair, sitting up. Phil was typing and clicking and writing, his eyes wide, his lip between his teeth. 

Dan watched him work, admiration in his eyes. How did he end up best friends with someone so bright, so patient? He was sure he didn’t deserve him.  


“Ok, ready to hear all this?” Phil had set the laptop on the table and turned toward Dan. Dan nodded and he read from the summary he’d compiled.      


“Falling indicates loss of control or instability. It can point to insecurity, shame, low self-esteem, or vulnerability. Another theory is that falling means you are about to give in to sexual urges.”  


“Ha! about to, huh? Great, does it tell you, how exactly, I’m supposed to do that?”  


Phil just gave a sideways glance and continued. “The hole represents something you are hiding, or something missing. Falling into a hole can mean that you are stuck in some way in your life.”  


Dan was increasingly uncomfortable with this level of introspection. He nervously shoved popcorn into his mouth to avoid reacting.  


“This is the cool part,” Phil was so hoping this brought some clarity. “Seeing someone’s heart signifies courage and love and truth. The bleeding means the owner of the heart is lacking in love or support. What you described is a sacred heart, it represents Jesus’ suffering for the sake of love and compassion." Phil’s voice softened and he stared straight down, pausing to let the words sink in. "So... my suffering...I guess, in your dream at least. ”  

Phil looked up but Dan kept his eyes averted. “Did I miss anything?”  


“Nope. Let me think for a minute. I’m trying to organize it all in my head. I have low self-esteem and it keeps me from meeting women. and maybe I worry that I don’t do enough for you because you’ve done so much for me, maybe a little fear of losing you?”  


Phil’s head dropped and he looked straight at Dan with wide eyes. “Seriously? That’s your interpretation? Are you taking the piss?”  


“No, I’m not… why? What are you talking about?”  


Phil picked up the laptop and typed into the Dream Secret search bar,  _ repressed sexuality.  _ He closed the tab and handed the computer back to Dan. “Nothing, Just don’t be surprised if you dream of snakes tonight.”   


“Um, sure, ok. You wanna watch Buffy for a while?”  


“No thanks, I’m heading to bed.” He stood up, leaned over, and kissed Dan’s forehead. “Goodnight, Dan”  


Dan was lost for words. Phil was long gone when he finally mumbled, “G’night Phil.”


	4. Chapter 4

The apartment was still. No one was singing show tunes in the shower, no one was dropping things in the kitchen, no one was banging equipment into the walls. Some might even say, it was peaceful. Peaceful just meant lonely to Dan. There was nothing quite so unmotivating as an empty house. Unmotivating and unnerving. Dan lay in his bed, covers pulled over him, laptop on his chest. His neck craned on three pillows in an awkward attempt to view the screen while his body stayed horizontal. He scrolled through Tumblr and let his mind wander. There was a pile of terrible snack foods on his nightstand and a glass of Ribena, next to that, a bottle of wine for later. He hadn’t left his room except to use the toilet since yesterday and the goal was to stretch that out for as long as possible. Phil had left yesterday morning with a hug that didn’t last long enough.  _ What if that was their last hug? What if Phil dies in a fiery crash on his trip. What if he meets the man of his dreams in Stockholm and never comes home?  _ Dan picked up his phone.

**Dan**

Hey loser, how’s Stockholm?

 

**Phil**

Amazing. Or is it since I arrived. 

 

**Phil**

Get it, cuz I’m amazingPhil? :)

  
  


**Dan**

Yeah, you’re a real Lenny Bruce. Did you get mobbed by beautiful women?

 

**Phil**

I got massively group hugged by lovely fans. Does that count? 

 

**Phil**

It was pretty great, tbh. We just finished dinner, so I’m headed back to the hotel. Tomorrow, we’re off to Berlin.  Do you miss me?

 

**Dan**

No

 

...

 

**Dan**

Yes. This place is creepy on my own.

 

**Phil**

Well, you should invite someone over then. You have the whole place to yourself, what a perfect opportunity to, oh I don’t know, bring a date home?

 

**Dan**

Are you new? I’m Danisnotonfire, I don’t talk to people “in real life,” I don’t “go outside.” What is this “date” you speak of?

 

**Phil**

It doesn’t have to be serious. You are always talking about how you wish you had romance in your life, well, here’s your chance. What about Lacey at the bakery? She is so into you. Seize the moment before I come back and cramp your style.

 

**Dan**

Oh whatever

 

**Phil**

Seriously though Dan, when’s the last time you slept with someone? 

 

**Dan**

Phil Lester, how dare you? Are the people of Sweden corrupting you with their loose morals?

 

…

 

**Dan**

It’s been about a year.

 

**Phil**

OOF! I don’t know how you do it, Howell.

 

**Dan**

Oi! How long it’s been for you then?

 

**Phil**

You mean, before last night? ;)  

 

_ He’s joking  _

 

**Dan**

Shut up

 

_ He has to be joking. He wouldn’t...   _

Dan sat up in bed and stared down at his phone, willing Phil’s reply to show up.

 

**Phil**

Come on, the hotel is beautiful, I wasn’t gonna waste it. We went to some gay club. It was awful but Lucas… well, Lucas was not awful. His english wasn’t great but we didn’t talk much. :p

 

All the air sucked out of the room. Dan gasped. He tried to breathe, pulling in a slow breath, struggling to remain in control. On the exhale, the damn broke. Tears poured over his squeezed shut eyes, his shoulders shook and he couldn’t catch his breath between sobs. 

 

…

 

**Phil**

Dan? You still there?

**Dan**

Yeah, of course. Sorry, I’m distracted. Tumblr. I’m happy for you Phil. Listen, I’ve been editing all day. I’m gonna turn in.

 

**Phil**

It’s 9 o’clock.

 

…

 

**Phil**

Ok. Goodnight Dan. 

 

**Phil**

Oh that reminds me, I have a video here, ready to upload. If I send it to you, will you check it over in the morning so I can post it?

 

**Dan**

You got it, buddy. 

  
  


**Phil**

Buddy? Ok thanks Pal. Sweet Dreams. 

_ Sweet dreams, very funny.  _ Dan put the laptop on the bed nearby and reached over to turn off the light. He eyed the bottle of wine but decided he was too exhausted for that. Curling into a ball, he watched his own eyes smile at the sight of Phil on the screen. Phil laughed and gesticulated, his eyes crinkled and his tongue poked out. Dan sighed.  _ Phil.  _

He cried softly into his pillow. His favorite gaming videos, muted, played on auto as he drifted off to sleep.

 

Dan stood in the lounge, watching as Phil came in the front door, someone followed behind him. He was lean and a few inches shorter than Phil. Blonde hair hung over his eyes in messy curls. He was beautiful, simply, objectively, beautiful. This other man closed the door and leaned his back against it, smiling. Phil smiled too. He ran a hand through his blonde locks and lowered his head to kiss him. Dan watched fingers dance over Phil’s back. He watched as hands found Phil’s hips and pulled toward the door. Phil’s taught ass clenched as he grinded himself against the man he’d brought home, to their home. a low growl escaped Phil’s mouth and Dan’s body burned at the sound.  He wanted to run, away or towards, he wasn’t sure. The hands on Phil disappeared for a bit and then his shirt was slipping off his shoulders. Dan’s breath hitched a the sight of so much of Phil’s skin. Phil turned, looking straight through Dan, and led his date out of the lounge and into his bedroom.

 

They walked right through him and he followed. Phil fiddled with his phone while the other man took off his shoes. Muse played through the bluetooth speaker Dan had bought Phil for Christmas last year. Phil turned and reached out to his new lover. The man stood and walked to Phil, who pulled his shirt up by the hem and lifted it over his head. He cupped a hand to this fair skinned face. There was tenderness in his eyes and Dan noticed his own cheeks were wet with tears. He tried to look away or turn and leave but he was frozen where he stood. They weren’t in a hurry, they kissed. There was a push and pull between them and it was clear that these kisses carried more than lust. These kisses had history. As they deepened their dive into each other, Phil’s hands moved down and kneaded at yielding flesh. They spun around, a slow dance, until the man, once again, had his back pressed to the wall. Phil held his face in both hands and peppered it with kisses. Dan forced his eyes closed but even then, the scene played out in the darkness behind his lids. 

 

Dan heard his own muffled sobs and cried out to no one, “Please. Don’t make me watch this.”

The two men didn’t so much as flinch. Phil dropped to his knees and began working on the button in front of him while he softly kissed and nibbled at the flesh on his lover’s belly. One hand reached up to caress a nipple or run through chest hair and the other was intertwined with the hand of the man. Phil worked the trousers down, then grabbed the waist of the man’s briefs and pulled them down swiftly. The man laughed, throwing his head back, then looked down at Phil, eyes full of lust. Phil ran the tip of his tongue along his lover’s cock and reaching the tip, wrapped his lips around sucking the head in and bobbing once against the ridge of flesh there.

The man groaned, “Oh god, oh fuck, Phil.” Phil sunk his mouth deep down over his lover’s cock. 

Dan’s cries echoed in his head but there was no answer.  _ No no no. Please. _ Phil pulled back to look up at the man, “You’re so beautiful.” He kissed along the crest of his hip. He stood and pressed his palm against his own erection, still aching in his jeans. The man nuzzled into Phil’s neck. He whispered softly there. Phil’s breaths were ragged and hot, he ran his fingers into the man’s hair and spoke, “Do you want to fuck me, Dan?”

 

Dan jumped, his heart stopped, and he blinked hard. Phil’s hand worked through brown curls now. He pulled the hair lightly, asking silently for access to lips. The face that lifted in reply was Dan’s. He panted, struggling to understand. The two men kissed as Phil fumbled through removing his jeans. He clambered on to the bed, lifted his hips, and slipped his boxers off. Phil’s cock was flushed and so hard, precum glistened at the tip. His eyes were soft, hooded, there was passion there, but more so, there was trust. Phil looked strong, and vulnerable. He looked beautiful. Dan didn’t think, he just moved. He bolted forward, the other Dan dissipated like so much steam as Dan moved through him. His body was on Phil’s and he inhaled deeply, the scent of Phil invading his senses. He smelled of coffee and sugar and the same after shave his Dad wears. He smelled like home. Dan pressed tiny kisses to Phil’s neck, savoring this. They weren’t in a hurry. No sooner had this thought crossed his mind than Phil wrapped both arms around Dan and rolled them over. 

 

Dan had an impulse to cover himself. He was naked and he had no idea when that happened.

Phil’s hand wrapped around him and stroked twice. Dan whimpered in spite of himself. Phil held firm to the base of Dan’s cock and lined himself up. The view was intoxicating, it took Dan a beat to snap to what was happening. 

 

“Woah, Phil. We need lube, we need to get you ready. Wait.”

 

Phil leaned in, close to Dan’s face and kissed him, wet and hot. “It’s a dream Dan,” he whispered, “I’m ready.” Before Dan could consider the meaning of those words, he felt himself enveloped by Phil. He was buried inside of this beautiful man and he wanted more. Phil growled low in his throat a he lifted his hips and lowered himself on to Dan again and again. All Dan knew was tight, wet, heat. He didn’t dare move. His hands tangled in the sheets, gripping for dear life, eyes wide with awe, breath ragged. Phil found a steady rhythm, locking eyes with Dan and taking him in until the hairs around the base of Dan’s cock were pressed against Phil’s ass.   He leaned back, knowing the angle he needed. “Unngh, Dan, touch me, please.” He moved faster, fucking himself on Dan. The feel of Phil’s dick in his hand was nearly all Dan could take. 

“God yes, Phil. You feel… so… … fuck. Please don’t stop, I’m so close.”  He stroked Phil messily, unable to control his limbs in any organized way. Phil’s animal sounds pitched higher and then very low as he came into Dan’s hand and over his chest. Dan followed, crumbling beneath Phil as he chanted his name. They collapsed into each other’s arms and soon, they slept. 

  
Dan awoke alone in bed. He checked his phone.  _ 9:30 _ . Early for him, but still over twelve hours of sleep. He stayed there, staring toward the window and watched the dust dance in the sunlight. In his mind, his dream played in flashes like a zeotrope. This one he understood. This one, he was keeping for himself.  


	5. Chapter 5

Phil’s suitcase was bursting with gifts and art from the fans and they’d only been to one city. He brushed his teeth and headed down to to meet the others and head to the airport. He hadn’t heard from Dan today and he didn’t do anything about that. Giving Dan all the space he needed had the added benefit of avoiding conflict. A twist of guilt turned in Phil’s stomach. It was a little cruel telling Dan about hooking up, but he’s supposed to be his best friend. This is the stuff he should be able to tell him. He’s the one that insists that’s what they are. Even though they never go out alone, even though Dan lays his head on Phil’s lap when they watch tv, even though they talk about buying a house together, even though Phil is still so in love. If Dan wasn’t so deep in denial, he would have noticed that Phil has had lots of hookups this past year and even a couple short flings. He keeps it hidden, like he’s cheating, because he feels like he is. Before this year, he just pined. He devoted everything to Dan and got _something_ like a boyfriend out of it. He just didn’t get to call him that, or kiss him, or hold him while they slept. The only thing that could have been worse was to not have him at all so he carried on. He made sure Dan saw a doctor every year and ate some veggies now and then. He stayed up late talking with him about the future. He went with him to weddings, and baby showers, and award shows. He talked him down when fans asked if he was gay, and he loved him, unconditionally. He still did most of that, but he was actively trying to change that last part.  

 

He did his best not to go back and retrace the steps of their romance, though it was so easy to do. They’d carried on right in the open before they’d even met, posting flirty comments and sexual innuendos. Their life together, this whole world they created, started with a video that ended with Phil tackling Dan to the ground. If the viewers could have seen what came next, there would be no doubt left. There were half naked screenshots of their skype sessions and jokes about lube. It was hard to deny it and they didn’t really try to. They were falling in love or that’s what Phil thought. Now, he has to listen while his “friend” tells their friends he’s never been with a man. Phil’s not sure if Dan even knows the truth anymore.  

 

Ever since that fucking video leaked for the second time, everything has been different. It spread like wildfire that time and Dan was absolutely terrified. Like an abused animal, he went on the offensive. He said some horrible things, hateful things. He had completely disregarded Phil’s feelings, not to mention all their LGBT fans who looked to them for a soft place to land. It was confusing and scary and hurtful to them and it hurt Phil to be a part of it. Phil didn’t talk openly about being gay because he didn’t trust Youtube but he felt like he was open when he needed to be. The kids who needed to know, knew. Or he hoped they did. He thought Dan would come out when he was ready or that maybe he just wasn’t comfortable with the labels available to him. He thought it was none of his business, but he was wrong. Dan wasn’t closeted, he was repressed. Each time Dan succeeded in killing a piece of himself, he took a little bit of Phil with him. It broke Phil’s heart to imagine Dan as a little kid, learning to hate a part of himself. He wanted to love him enough that he’d realize every piece of him was worthy. He thought he could put him back together and make him whole. But he couldn’t, Dan had to do that himself and Phil had to stop being a martyr.

 

“Phil? Phiiilll.” Josh leaned in from the seat facing him. “Where’d you go, bro? 

Phil snapped back to reality. Josh was producing the video for Blackberry. He was cool and all but Phil would never get used to these corporate shoots. 

“Bro? It would be ok if you never called me that again” Phil managed a weak smile. 

“Sorry. You ok? You were miles away.” 

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a lot on my mind.” 

“Flight 265 to Berlin now boarding at gate 7.” The announcement reminded Phil of just how long it would be till he saw Dan. He took out his phone opened his photos. There were a few selfies here and there, but mostly, Dan. Dan drinking a milkshake, Dan holding a kitten, Dan smiling, Dan pretending to frown, Dan laughing, Dan with Phil’s mum. A familiar ache rose in Phil’s chest. God, he was so gone for this boy. How would he ever get over him? Tears stung in his eyes as he grabbed the handle of his suitcase and headed for the gate. Phil tucked his case into an overhead compartment, grabbing his headphones from the front pocket. He sat down and pulled his phone from his pocket to put it in airplane mode. He paused. 

**Phil**

Hey you. I know you’re sleeping. Why do people think 9:45 am is daytime? I’m about to take off for Berlin. Just wanted to say good morning. When you get this, let me know how you are, ok?

 

Phil hit send with a sigh and moved toward putting the phone in his pocket. Before he got there, it vibrated in his hand. 

**Dan**

Come back 

**Phil**

Soon 

**Dan**

Have fun today. Be safe. Tell the phans I said Fuck off 

**Phil**

Will do. You have a good day too. Go outside. 

**Dan**

I’ll take it into consideration. Bye Phil. 

**Phil**

Bye Dan. <3

  


Josh seemed to understand that it wasn’t time for small talk. There wasn’t much mystery in Phil’s expression. He was good at feigning a happy and carefree mood but he was so very tired. He hated mornings and he hated his busy brain for never allowing him to sleep on planes. At least this was a short flight, less than two hours. So, of course, this is the one he fell asleep on.

 

Dan handed Phil a cup of tea. There was something floating on the surface. Twigs? He pinchered one between his forefinger and thumb and held it up in front of his bespectacled eyes. 

“It’s clove tea, those are actual cloves but I just thought they looked cool, like a garnish, don’t eat those. I know it’s weird and not very British but clove tea is good for your digestion. I thought it could help you, since you keep getting those stomach aches.”

“Wow, thanks babe. That’s so sweet.” Phil took his tea and sipped. It tasted of cotton candy. 

“I just don’t want you to hurt anymore.” Dan sat on the sofa and laid down, his head on Phil’s lap. Phil took another sip and set his tea on the arm of the sofa. He ran his fingers through Dan’s curls. 

“I don’t want you to hurt either.” He gazed down into Dan’s dark chocolate eyes. 

Slipping his hand under Dan’s neck, he slid his fingers into the hair on the back of his head. He lifted him and Dan met him halfway. The kiss felt like going home; welcoming, safe, nostalgic. Dan sat up a bit to allow Phil to lay behind him. They pressed together, back to front and Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist. He nuzzled into the nape of Dan’s neck. Dan murmured, “mmm, I love you, Phil.” 

“I know. I’ll always love you, Dan, but, I have to go.” 

Dan began to sob silently, shaking softly in Phil’s arms. Phil kissed Dan’s shoulder,

“shhh, I know, I know.”

 

Phil startled awake. His heart beat wildly and he breathed heavily. He wiped a tear from his cheek. The plane touched down and Josh looked over, “hey.”  Phil rubbed his eyes.

“Bad dream?” 

“Nah, only thing I ever dream about is buying shampoo in Tesco.” Phil forced a cheery smile. “Let’s do this, mate.” 

As they waited to deplane, Phil connected his phone to airport wifi. He opened his browser and loaded _Dreamsecrets.com._ Into the search bar, he typed _cloves._ “Cloves represent love, protection, and domestic bliss.”

_I wish. Even my dream knew better._

Phil promised himself he’d talk to Dan when he got home. Everything that lay just under the surface needed to come out so they could move forward and for Phil, that might mean moving on.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Dan dragged himself out of bed. Two and a half days in bed eating trash food was probably enough. He showered and brushed his teeth, towel around his waist, then proceeded to tone and moisturise. Phil would be so proud. Looking in the mirror, he patted the last of the “men’s skin serum” into his jaw and did a perfect Macaulay Culkin, Home Alone scream. He sighed  and swore to the man in the mirror that he’d be at least somewhat productive today. Dan flopped onto the bed, letting his towel drop to the floor. There were some benefits to being home alone. He opened his laptop and checked his email. Phil’s video. There you go, that’s productive, he’ll check Phil’s video. He clicked and grinned as his best friend’s sweet face filled his screen. Within the first minute of the video, Phil stands, camera pointed at his crotch, fingers futzing with his zipper. There was nothing sexual about it but nonetheless, Dan felt a twitch. The twitch sent his brain into action and the Phil from Dan’s dreams appeared behind his eyes. Phil behind a waterfall, Phil naked, Phil underneath him, Phil on top of him. 

 

“Mmmm” Dan hummed a moan and hit pause as Phil rubbed dye into his hair. He opened a private browser window because, clearly, he wasn’t going to be able to concentrate until he cleared his mind. He clicked through page after page of porn thumbnails. Porn was really hit or miss for Dan. Why were the men all so weird looking? He found one where both participants were attractive. It had  _ sensual _ in the title, how bad could it be? After skipping through a long intro, he found some action.  _ Why is she making a duck face _ ?  _ Does anyone think this looks real?  _ Things progressed quickly and this poor woman was being fucked with cartoonish speed and moaning loudly with the occasional whiney “oh yeah.”  _ She is so not enjoying herself. _

 

A big purple button flashed on the sidebar, “Gay.” It looked like cheesy MS wordart. He clicked. Again, he looked through the thumbnails. Too muscular. Too skinny. Too old. Too young. Finally, he came across one: “Emo Friends Experiment.” Ok, maybe. They both had fringes and skinny jeans that came off after very little discussion. They were shirtless and tattooed and hot. When they were kissing, their faces hidden, one of them could almost pass for Phil. One trailed kisses down the other’s chest and Dan palmed his half hard cock, feeling it grow under his hand. The guy on the screen sucked hard on the dick is his mouth. It was hot...kinda. Dan just wasn’t feeling it. It all felt so forced. He closed the window. 

 

Phil stared back once again and Dan hit play, wrapping his hand around himself. Dan stroked slowly, he was definitely hard now. A few minutes passed and Dan’s eyes opened wide. Phil was shirtless and blow drying his hair, running his fingers through. He wrinkled his nose and puckered his lips. The new hair color made his blue eyes absolutely leap from the screen. Dan had no idea this is what he’d be seeing, he groaned and picked up the pace. Backing the video up a bit, he hit pause and and set his laptop on the bed next to him, propped on pillow so he could see even if he laid down. He reached into his nightstand and grabbed his lube. Soon both hands had several slick and gooey fingers. Dan stroked himself with a tight grip and began to tease his hole. He looked into Phil’s digital eyes and slipped a finger inside himself. Once, only once, it had been Phil’s fingers that taught him how to take himself to a blinding, beautiful place. He struggled to remember, the memory long since pushed into a locked chest in his subconscious. The small glimpse of Phil’s naked chest was enough to bring him back to the present. This Phil, his Phil, was older, hotter, better. He moaned out loud, reveling in the privacy, and worked in one more finger. 

 

Dan stroked quickly and worked his fingers in and out, his hips and hands working in perfect synchrony. He felt the knot in his abdomen form and tighten as he neared release. He shifted and reached awkwardly and finally found that place inside him that could bring him what he was chasing. Letting go of his cock for just a moment, he reached a sticky finger to tap the spacebar. Phil again, shirtless, only for a moment. It was more than he could take. He massaged inside as he worked himself to the edge and into oblivion. Dan’s eyes squeezed shut, Phil’s name spilled out of his mouth over and over. He was all sparks and heat as he slowly drifted back down to reality. Again, Phil stared back from his laptop screen. Phil, his best friend and apparently the only image he could get off to.  _ Shit. _

 

**Dan**

Watched the video, it was ace.

 

**Phil**

Now you’re speaking my language. 

 

**Phil**

Thanks. I’ll post when I get a break.  

 

**Dan**

No prob

 

**Phil**

I’ll say hi to Paris for you. We are flying in tonight so we can have a little time to run around.   

 

**Dan**

K.

 

**Dan**

Try not to snog too many French dudes.

 

**Phil**

I make no promises

 

Nausea swirled in Dan’s stomach, he needed air. He stood and grabbed some boxers from the basket of clothes Phil had folded before he left. He threw open the window and sucked in as much mediocre city air as he could. Dan tried to make sense of the tangle of emotion winding its way through his body.

 

_ This is ok, right?  _

_ I mean, I would never act on it.  _

_ It doesn’t mean anything, Phil just feels safe to me.  _

_ He needs to stop flirting, it’s just confusing.  _

_ I just need to hook up, break this tension.  _

 

Dan slipped on his favorite black skinny jeans. They were also currently his only black skinny jeans. He buttoned up his moth print shirt and slipped on his black Vans. Looking in the mirror, he grimaced.  _ Curse this hobbit hair.  _ After 30 minutes of straightening, Dan headed out into the warm summer air. Sunshine played on his skin, raising genuine concern for Dan when he realized how rare a sensation it was. He tried to look nonchalant as he the door to the bakery shut behind him. Lacey looked up and smiled a red lipped grin.

 

“Hey you. Long time no see. I thought maybe that roommate of yours finally talked you into running away to the fabulous tax free bahamas.”

 

“What? No. Um. Hi Lacey.” It’s no wonder Phil liked her, she was fucking weird. And what was that supposed to mean, anyway? Despite his annoyance, Dan noticed her hair was shorter, cropped into a blunt bob. She always had perfect winged liner. She wore stripes and black capris and reminded Dan of a French New Wave film star. He softened a bit. Ok, she was pretty cool. 

 

“Your hair looks good.”

Lacey blushed a bit and cast her eyes down. “Thanks Dan. That’s really sweet.” Her lashes fluttered when she glanced back up at Dan. “So, where’s Phil?”

 

“Phil? I do exist without him, you know.” Dan shuffled his feet like a little kid kicking rocks. “Anyway, he’s on a three city European snogging tour.” Dan wasn’t very good at disguising his emotional state. Lacey cringed a bit, “ooh, sorry mate, I didn’t know you two broke up. This definitely calls for a macaron.” She opened the cased and thoughtfully chose a deep purple macaron, handing it to Dan.

 

“No, we didn’t...we weren’t...Lacey, I’m not gay.” 

“I will take this macaron though and a flat white please.” Dan took a bite, feeling uncomfortable and defensive.

 

“Oh.” Lacey tipped her head, thinking as she pulled the espresso for Dan’s drink.. “I’ve never really seen you apart, unless one of you comes in to buy a surprise for the other. I guess I assumed. Sorry about that.”

Dan gave a tight lipped smile that did nothing to hide his irritation. 

 

“So...you’re single then?”

 

Dan felt something like pride. “Yep, free as a bird.”

 

Lacey handed Dan his coffee, pausing at the exchange so his his hand lingered over hers.

“That’s so interesting.” She smirked.

Dan took the coffee with a grin and said goodbye. The walk home felt hopeful, scrawled across his cup was Lacey’s name and number, surrounded by hastily sketched birds. If anyone could break Dan out of this funk, she could. 

 

That night Dan dreamed in black and white. He was a mime performing at the base of the Eiffel tower. Lacey sat on a bench, smoking a long cigarette, wearing a beret and a striped boatneck shirt. She watched Dan intently as he mimicked being trapped in a box, lips pursed. Phil stood in the distance, dressed in Pierrot style clown garb. Large black tears adorned his painted face and he wore an exaggerated frown. Between drags of her cigarette, Lacey spoke in a terrible French accent.

 

“What is the point?” 

“Isn’t life for living?”

“Love is the only truth.” 

“Seek out that which you desire.”

 

It was almost noon when he woke up. Why couldn’t all his dreams be that entertaining? He chuckled to himself. He figured he would text Lacey today but he had no idea what he’d say. He didn’t understand the mating ritual of the Londoner. He’d have to muddle through it.

“No vulnerability before my cereal.” He said to his empty room and headed for the kitchen. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get comfy, it's a long one.

**Dan**

I got her number

**Phil**

Lacey?

**Dan**

No, the Duchess of Cornwall

**Phil**

Hmm…a May-December romance…December 2020 that is

**Phil**

How did it go?

**Dan**

A little awkward. But good I think

**Phil**

Sounds about right

**Dan**

She thought I was gay

**Phil**

Again, sounds about right

**Dan**

Fuck off

You’re supposed to be happy for me

Phil wished he had a stiff drink. Something to take the sting of this away. He’s the one who told Dan to ask her out. He wants this for him. Even though it makes no sense. Even though it hurts like hell.

**Phil**

I am. I’m sorry. Did you text?

**Dan**

Not yet.

**Phil**

Well you’ve only got the place to yourself for one more night so you’d better work fast, Howell

**Dan**

Get your mind out of the gutter, you perv. I’ll text her today, maybe we can grab a drink

**Dan**

I had a dream about her, well sort of. She was there. You were a clown. I was a mime.

Josh nudged Phil and whispered that they’d be packing up in 5 minutes. They had wrapped up the meet and greet and he was just getting a few shots of the scenery.

Phil whispered back, “I’m texting. Why are we whispering?”

“That your wife on the line? Tell him I said hi!” Josh barely knew Dan. He didn’t mean to imply that they were actually together. He was just taking a jab at Dan and Phil’s famously co-dependent relationship. Still, something inside Phil twisted, something that had been bent back and forth so many times, it was sure to break any day now. 

 

**Phil**

A mime? Like, someone who never talks about their feelings and pretends to be something they aren’t?

…

…

**Dan**

Wow.

**Dan**

Ok, Phil. I’ll let you go then. Enjoy Paris.

Phil didn’t respond. That probably wasn’t the best way to show support for Dan dating someone else. He didn’t see a way out of this one without an apology and that just wasn’t going to happen right now. He put his phone in his pocket and went to the car to wait for Josh. Back at the hotel, Phil showered and shaved. He dressed in black skinny jeans and a red plaid shirt, rolling the sleeves a bit. The shirt had a yoke and pearly snaps and it made Phil feel like a sexy gay cowboy. He laughed at his reflection for the thought. His heart ached so he needed to look really good. There was no way any confidence was coming from anywhere but a very superficial place tonight. Josh and an old friend who lived in Paris were meeting up at a jazz club. Of course, Phil was invited but it sounded like a fresh hell to him. He just wanted to drink wine, and be alone in this gorgeous city. 

He walked the streets surrounding the hotel. Every pore of this city oozes romance. It’s either the absolute worst or the absolute best place to have a broken heart. He chose a corner cafe where he could sit outside. It could have been any of dozens of cafes he walked by but he chose this one because it faced an old theatre and the lights made for a beautiful and distracting view. The waiter led Phil outside and he was relieved to see only a few of the tables were occupied. He ordered tapenade and bread because it was the only thing on the menu he felt confident pronouncing that didn’t have cheese in it. Someone once told Phil there was no bad wine in Paris, so he thought he’d go ahead test that theory, one glass at a time. 

Having finished his food, which had been wonderful, Phil ordered another glass of wine. This was exactly what he wanted. Music wafted over from the restaurant next door, the view was bright and so very French, and he was alone to just lick his wounds for a while.

“Excuse me.”

Phil jumped a bit at the decidedly American accent. He looked over his shoulder. _  
_

_Oh my. Hello Sailor._

“Aren’t you AmazingPhil?”

“Just Phil. Only my mom calls me Amazing.” He smiled up a the handsome stranger.  

“I’m so sorry to bother you, I just…I’d kick myself if I didn’t at least say hi.”

“You aren’t bothering me at all. Are you here alone?” Phil looked around for evidence of a date. A ridiculously charming smile spread over the man’s face as he nodded yes. Phil hooked a thumb toward the empty chair directly next to him and this perfect addition to his evening sat down and extended a hand, “Michael.” They shook hands and Phil waved at the waiter.

“Nice to meet you, Michael. Wine?”

“Absolutely.”

The waiter brought a glass and poured. They clinked glasses and drank.

“Mmm, there is no bad wine in Paris.” Michael mused.

Phil just grinned, feeling a slight buzz start to surface. “I have to be honest with you, Michael, you’re not my usual demographic.”

Michael pulled an mock serious face, “Because I’m black?” his voice was just above a whisper and the sound was delicious.

Phil chuckled, “because you’re an adult. And a man!”

Michael let out a ridiculous gasp and clutched his heart then burst into laughter.

Phil was laughing, again, and he’d just met this guy. “Seriously, my fans are mostly, well not men, and you know, 12-17.”  

“That’s not a bad group to have on your side though. Teenage girls are loyal, like Illuminati loyal. They’d fall on a sword for you, I mean, it would be in a gif on Tumblr but it’s the thought that counts.”

The conversation flowed and it felt so great to not talk about himself, to step outside of everything. It was pretty easy with Michael. They talked about America and the places Phil should definitely visit there. They talked about why Michael moved to France. They talked about music and films. Then Michael said something about Paris being romantic and Phil’s face betrayed his sadness. He’d had little filter all day and on his third glass of wine, he didn’t stand a chance.

“You ok, Phil? I don’t mean to overstep, but you look a little lovelorn”

Phil stared down into his wine.

“You missing someone in London?”

Phil sipped and swirled the ruby liquid in the glass. “No, but Paris has a way of reminding you of what you don’t have.”

“That it does.” Michael sipped his own wine slowly. He turned to face Phil. “Listen, you have any free time tomorrow? I’d love to show you my favorite spots. What do you say? We can casually stroll down the Champs Elysees?”

Phil brought his gaze over to meet the stunning brown eyes currently twinkling at him. _Sigh_.

“I would love to, but tonight’s my last night here.”

“Just one night, huh? Well, if that isn’t the plot of a romantic comedy, I don’t know what is.”  

Phil blushed but managed a joke anyway, “I don’t think _One Night in Paris_ is a romantic comedy.”

Michael laughed a little louder than would be appropriate in a London restaurant but no one here seemed to mind. Phil waved the waiter over and settled up. He downed the rest of his wine and rested a hand on Michael’s thigh, turning to directly face him. “So, what do you think, Michael, wanna help me forget about someone?”

They made it to Phil’s hotel in record time and it _was_ like a romantic comedy. They kissed against the door, Phil groping for the handle and practically fell in when he got it open. They groped and tore at each other’s clothes, giggling through lips that only parted for air or to allow room to nibble and lick and bite at each other. When they reached the bed, Phil paused to look Michael up and down. He was only wearing black boxer briefs now. Phil bit his lip and raised an eyebrow. What an incredible body and he was nearly as tall as Phil, which he loved.

Michael smirked, “nice underwear.” Phil looked down and color rushed to his already flushed face. “What? You don’t like Sonic?” He considered making a joke out of _gotta go fast_ but he thought better of it. “I guess I should take ‘em off then.” He turned around and, doing his best stripper impression, bent forward slightly, pushing his ass out as he peeled the brightly colored boxer briefs around, over, and off. Michael threw back his head with a chortle. 

“Dat ass tho.”

Phil turned, giggling, pink cheeked, and naked. He put his hands on Michael’s chest and gave a shove, knocking him softly onto his back on the white hotel sheets. Climbing over Michael, Phil was surprised at how happy he was. He’d had hook ups, sure, and they were fun, sometimes. Other times, it more of a mutually beneficial transaction. He didn’t expect to really feel much of anything beyond lust and relief. Lately, simple pure happiness was tricky but Michael was different. Even though they had met just hours ago, Phil was incredibly comfortable. He was laughing and vulnerable because he felt safe. Michael felt like a friend, an incredibly sexy friend whose nipple Phil happened to be nibbling on. Michael squirmed and scratched at Phil’s back. Making a man squirm and whimper was a favorite activity of Phil’s but getting that reaction from this taut, muscular body was particularly scrumptious. The firm curve of Michael’s clothed cock pressed against Phil’s belly as Michael rolled his hips. Phil kissed down to Michael’s navel and hooked his fingers into his waistband. He looked up over the landscape of dark, luscious skin and into smiling eyes. “Mind if I take these off?” Michael lifted his hips in answer, biting his lip. Phil pulled them down slowly and threw them aside. He kissed thighs and hips and ran kisses up his length, licking and playing at the tip with a wicked grin . It felt so good to explore with someone again, to take it easy and elicit sighs and soft spoken cries of “yes.” 

Phil ran both hands up Michael’s body from his thighs to his hips, over his abs and onto his chest. Michael wrapped his arms around Phil and pulled him in. He planted a strong kiss and plunged his tongue into Phil’s mouth. Phil moaned. Passionate kisses got him every damn time. Michael’s leg slipped in between Phil’s. Their thighs pushing into each other, hips grinding. They were hard and rubbing against each other, the heat and tension building. The arms that still wrapped around Phil suddenly squeezed tight and rolled them over. Michael kissed his nose and a giggle escaped that soon melted into sighs and breathy moans as Michael’s tongue traced a winding path down Phil’s entire body, stopping inside his left thigh. Phil’s eyes closed and he arched his back a bit, savoring the sensation of Michael’s mouth all over him. He wanted to fully experience every ticklish tender, hot, sharp, wet moment. There was a hand on his balls and then teeth and lips just underneath. Michael’s hand gripped Phil and stroked, his mouth still working at the sensitive flesh beneath. Phil’s hips bucked. “Michael, that feels so good.” Michael looked up from between Phil’s thighs. That was a sight Phil wouldn’t soon forget.

“Do you want to come like this?”

Phil shook his head, “I want your mouth.” 

He heard a low growl, then he was taken into tight, wet lips. Michael kept his hand wrapped around the base as he bobbed. After all this tension, it wasn’t going to take much. “Michael. I’m. I’m gonna cum.” Phil practically whined. Michael pulled of just to the tip, planting a kiss there. As if to say, _bring it on_ , he raised his eyebrows at Phil and smirked. Then he sunk down on Phil’s cock till it nudged his throat. He sucked long and deep just a few more times and Phil came as Michael swallowed hard. 

Michael hopped up to straddle Phil. He leaned over him, propped on one strong arm, and kissed him rough and messy. “Grab my ass.”

Phil swiftly obliged, still reeling. He he dug his nails in and Michael took himself in hand, grunting,“Unngh, Phil. Can I cum on your chest?”

Phil could only nod an emphatic yes. Michael quickly worked himself to orgasm, moaning loudly. Phil caught the last bit of moan in his mouth with a deep kiss. They stared at each other, panting for a few moments and wide grins spread on their faces. Michael grabbed tissues off the nightstand and lay down next to Phil. He wiped up the mess on Phil’s chest and kissed his cheek. “That was insanely hot.”

Phil looked at him, cheerily. “I feel a little guilty.”

Michael furrowed his brow.

“You made me feel so incredible and then I just let you jack yourself off.”

“Oh don’t worry about me, I totally get off on that!” For what seemed like the hundredth time tonight, Michael laughed. “Honestly, that was great, Phil.” 

After a bit more pillow talk, Phil clicked on the tv. They both sat up in bed watching House Hunters until they fell asleep. In the morning, Phil quietly stepped into the shower, letting Michael sleep. He didn’t remember dreaming at all. It was a pretty good sleep. Standing under the spray, tears started to flow. He’s wasn’t  sure where they came from but he wasn’t totally surprised. Michael woke up to the sound of the shower. He stretched, and moved toward the bathroom to see if he could join Phil. as he got to the door, he hesitated. There was another sound behind the shower spray. Phil was crying. Michael dressed quietly, wrote a note, and placing the note on Phil’s pillow, he left. 

_Phil,  
_

_I thought you might need some time to yourself before heading home. Thank you so much for a really wonderful night! I hope you’ll text me. (But I’ll understand if you don’t)_

_Whoever he is, I hope he deserves you._

_Love, Michael_

_33 1 44 39 80 00._

__


	8. Chapter 8

Dan had cleaned all day. He grumbled all the while, “Phil can go fuck himself.” He washed the few dishes he had used and emptied all the bins, “Nice best friend you got there, Danny.” He straightened up the lounge and fluffed the pillows on the sofa, “Where does he get off talking to me like that?” He gathered Phil’s shoes and hoodie from the floor under the coffee table, “He lives like a goddamn pig.” Dan carried Phil’s things to his room to put away. It was stuffy from being closed up for days so he cracked a window. He hung up the hoodie and put the shoes in the closet. Gathering up some discarded items of clothing off the floor, Dan tossed them in the laundry hamper. Unsure of what was laundry and what was rejected remnants from packing, Dan smelled a Sunnydale High t-shirt to see if it smelled clean. It smelled of ginger lemon body wash and a little something else that was slightly intoxicating to Dan. It smelled of Phil. Without thinking, he pulled off his black t-shirt and pulled the Sunnydale High shirt on. He sat down on the bed and ran his hand over the green and blue duvet. 

Why did he feel one way in here and another way out in the real world? Maybe this space was too protective. Maybe he’d relied on Phil too much. He’d been hiding behind Phil for so long and it probably wasn’t fair to either of them, but he missed the old Phil that always had his back. Old Phil would have never said those things, but this Phil insisted Dan was attracted to guys. He wasn't wrong, Dan had admitted that, if only to himself. But he was attracted to all kinds of people, so why not just choose women? Why not choose to be with someone he could marry tomorrow if he wanted to? Someone who could carry his baby one day, someone who he wasn’t scared to kiss in public. When he imagined himself with Lacey, thoughts of them hanging out, drinking coffee played in his mind. When he imagined himself with a man, flashes of rocks hurling toward him played in his mind instead. He remembered curling into a fetal position as he lay on the asphalt, covering his head as best he could. Children threw stones but high school boys threw kicks, kicks in big scary boots.

He’d been a trusting kid, his parents took him around the world and taught him that love is the answer to everything. He had so many crushes in school and all the little girls loved him, with his dimples and long lashes. He didn’t know you weren’t supposed get a crush on a boy. He didn’t know that if you did, you had to keep it to yourself. He learned fast but it didn’t matter. Skinny jeans and weird hair and a posh accent were all it took to get labeled once a few years went by. Once a boy he liked kissed him behind the school, actually kissed him, and then that same boy shoved him down and ran away. Even Dan’s parents with all their preaching of free love and equality didn’t much like what they saw him becoming. They expected him to get a proper job and raise a family and plan for retirement, etc etc etc.  _ Hypocrites _ . Dan lay down on top of the duvet and wrapped his arms around himself, turning his head to breathe in the smell of Phil. He closed his eyes and felt the breeze from the window. It was dark out now and Dan just stayed here, in his safe space, in Phil’s space, until he fell asleep.

Green and blue dahlias made a checked blanket for Dan’s nap in the sun. He nestled between the tall stems, almost hidden from view. Waking gently, he blinked his eyes open and sat up to see a figure in the distance. Phil wandered, stepping high to avoid crushing the dahlias he waded through. His eyes searched and finally caught a glimpse of Dan, waving. Phil waved back wildly, nearly dropping the armful of chrysanthemums he had gathered. Picking up his pace, Phil walk toward Dan, face beaming. From the field ahead of Dan, vines began to wind. They climbed slowly, twisting and turning as if navigating an invisible trellis. As his best friend grew near, his view was obscured by dozens and dozens of climbing morning glories. Dan called out, “Phil? I’m over here, can you find me?”

There was no answer because Phil had already found him. He stepped through the tangle of purple and white blooms, tripping as he fought his way through. The chrysanthemums tumbled from his arms into Dan’s lap. They both laughed and Dan looked up, questioning.

“Those are for you. White for truth and red for love.” Dan gave Phil a fond look and laid back, blanketed in red and white among the green and blue. Phil lay next to him and took Dan’s hand in his. They watched the clouds take shape. Dragons and hearts and castles drifted by. A tiny red airplane buzzed overhead.

Light streamed in and Dan shivered. His phone was in his pocket and he grabbed it to check the time. 11:55. Phil’s plane landed at noon. He sat and stretched his arms over his head. Probably wouldn’t be a good idea to let Phil find Dan, in his shirt, in his bed. Dan sighed heavily and pulled the t-shirt off, throwing it into the hamper. He smoothed the duvet and went into the hall, closing the door behind him. He played the new Kanye for motivation. By 12:45, Dan was showered and dressed. His hair was a curly mess but he left it, it’s just Phil after all. He put on the kettle and sat at the kitchen table, pretending he wasn’t bursting with excitement at the prospect of Phil coming home. Passing time, he googled  _ flower dream meaning _ . Maybe a little insight would be good after the emotion of this last couple days. He found a whole amazing language of flowers and vaguely recalled his grandmother telling him about the intricate symbolism he read about.  

Struggling to remember the dream he’d had, Dan looked up the meaning of Dahlias. He wasn’t sure they actually came in the color of Phil’s duvet but there they were and they represented major life changes, a fresh start.  _ Oh god. That’s scary _ . Maybe Phil was sick of all this. Maybe he was drifting away.  _ Hang on, breathe. It’s just a dream.  _ Anyway, Phil had fought his way through the,  _ what were they _ , morning glories. Morning glories, for restricted or unrequited love. He already knew the meaning of the chrysanthemums, white for truth and red for love.  _ Oh, whatever. It’s not real science anyway, just a bunch of woo _ . Dan told himself that his subconscious was less important than his intellect and free will. He closed his browser, just as he heard feet on the steps.

 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Neither of them wanted to admit how glad he was to see the other. “Kettle’s on if you want coffee.”

“Oh great. Thanks, Dan.” Phil pulled his boarding pass and a few receipts out of his back pocket. A small, folded piece of paper fell to the floor but he didn’t notice. He stuffed the stack in his hand into the recycling bin and proceeded to make his coffee. Dan had no business unfolding that paper, but he did. “You want coffee, Dan? Or tea?”

“Who’s Michael?”

Phil’s back was to Dan and he lingered there. “Just a friend of mine.”

“A friend with a French phone number?”

“A friend that I met in Paris.”

“You mean, a friend that you fucked in Paris.”  

Phil spun around do look at Dan. He was so tired, he didn’t know if he could do this right now. Defeated, he exhaled, “Yes, Dan, Michael is a friend I met in Paris and yes, we slept together. I can’t for the life of me figure why you’d care.” 

“I don’t.” Dan fiddled with a curl that fell to his forehead. “I just... do you think it’s wise to sleep with two different men in the course of a few days.”

“Are you serious? Do you honestly think you get to have an opinion on this?”

Dan stared at his knees, avoiding eye contact. His stomach turned over.  _ Stop it, Dan. _

 

He didn’t stop. “Whoever he is, I hope he deserves you? What does that mean?” Phil walked over and took the note from Dan’s hand, stuffing it in a pocket. He leaned against the table, wondering how in the world he was going to steer this conversation to the the one he knew he needed to have. He had really hoped he get one night at home before he had to talk to Dan about any of this.

“Phil? What does that mean?” Dan voice pitched up just a bit, “Did you tell some Paris fuckboy about us?”

“Watch yourself, Dan. Michael was kinder to me in one night than you’ve been in a year. And what do you mean  _ about us _ ? What  _ us _ ? I thought there was no us, Dan?”

Dan glared at him, “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”


	9. Chapter 9

They were silent for a long while. Phil sipped his coffee and went to open the window a bit. Suddenly, there wasn’t enough air in this room, having been replaced with a palpable tension. He pulled out a chair and sat down, elbows on his knees. “Dan,” Phil’s voice softened. He steadied his breathing. “Why do you pretend that you and I never happened?”

Dan’s voice was tinged with anger. “Because  _ we _ didn’t happen, not really. We were young,  _ I _ was young. I was curious and maybe a little confused. I didn’t really have any friends and I connected with you in a way that I hadn’t with anyone before. It was never supposed to be more than experimentation.”

Phil chuffed and shook his head.

“You used to understand that, Phil. You used to accept me for who I am.”

“Yeah, I did accept you but maybe I wasn’t doing you any favors. You've lost your goddamn mind lately. Ever since that video leaked, Dan. You turned into someone I didn’t recognize, someone cruel. It's like you erased a whole year of our lives. So, yeah, I stopped supporting that behavior. But only that behavior.”  

Dan pushed both hands into his hair, exasperated. They hadn’t discussed any of this in 2 years, not since the first time the V-Day video had been made public. Even then, they hadn’t  _ really _ discussed it. Phil had taken care of it, of course. Dan was so paralyzed, so afraid of what people might think, of his family seeing it, of the fans never seeing him the same way again. Phil had been all apologies and tears, he promised to make it go away. He had held Dan, cooing,  _ “shhh, no one saw. It’s ok. Nothing has changed. I’m here. Please calm down, Dan. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”  _ When the video leaked again on a much wider scale, Dan expected the same kindness from Phil but his own behavior made things much more complicated. 

Dan let the memory sink in, allowing indignation to win over reason. “Well, what a difference a year makes, huh? You went from being my best friend to picking and choosing which parts of me were worthy. You should have had my back. You can’t blame me for my reacting the way I did.” His volume was gradually rising. “I was just done, Phil! It was a public attack and I wasn’t gonna just take it... and you just stood by and watched.”   

“Stop. Stop talking.” Phil’s jaw clenched,. He looked as though might put his fist through the wall. Dan, stunned and a little afraid, watched as Phil’s lip began to quiver. His expression traveled through anger into sadness and back round to frustration. “You don’t get to do that Dan. You don’t get to use the leak to invoke sympathy for your cause. Like it was this great source of pain for you.” 

Dan let out a groan, standing from the table to speak, pacing with so much manic energy. “But it was a source of pain! I had some semblance of privacy before the video, Phil. It confirmed what everyone believed, didn’t it?” He reigned in his yell a bit. “ Doesn’t matter that they were all wrong. What good is reality when you’ve got one side of a narrative and hundreds of eager fic writers poised to write the other side? When fiction is that sexy, who needs the truth?” 

There were tears rolling down Phil’s cheeks but he hid any other sign that he was crying. His face appeared exhausted, fallen. 

“The truth? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

His voice was so quiet, Dan barely made out the words, but he did. 

“Yes Phil, the truth. The truth about us and me and just our whole damn lives! You never cared if the whole world believed in a fairy tale! You don’t give a shit about how it affected me, how it still affects me.”  

“You’re right, I don’t.” Dan stopped moving and turned to face Phil, looking into his wet eyes. Phil spoke in a clear, calm tone. “I don’t care. Because it wasn’t you who was hurt. It wasn’t you whose heart was laid bare for the the first person he’d ever loved, only to have the whole thing turned into a weapon. It wasn’t you whose greatest heartbreak was dragged out into the street for public ridicule. When I made that video, I was ecstatic, over the moon, and then I waited. I waited 3 days, Dan. Only to be told that I’d gotten the “wrong idea”. I never wanted to see that video again. But I couldn’t bring myself to delete it 'cause… well, because love is fucking sadistic, innit?” 

all Phil could think was that he needed to get out of here. He stood and walked out of the kitchen. Dan yelled, “Where are you going?” Phil didn’t answer, he just kept walking till he was in his room. He immediately stripped off every piece of clothing and pulled on joggers and a old, soft t-shirt. The room was cool and sunny and apparently Dan had straightened up. Phil couldn’t be bothered to care why. He hadn’t grabbed his bag so he was without his laptop. He laid down on his bed and slung his arm over his eyes. 

  
Dan felt suddenly hung over as the adrenaline rush from his self-preservation fight or flight response subsided. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast but the knots in his stomach left no room for a meal. Since Phil had been away, there was no fruit in the house, nothing decent to snack on. He remembered the stash in his room and decided if he could stomach anything, he could stomach monster munch. Stepping over the discarded towels on his floor, Dan took a look at his room. His lip curled in disgust. Empty crisp packets gathered in a pile in front of the the bedside table, dirty clothes were everywhere, and the bed was unmade. By the time he’d put everything in the wash, emptied the bin, and remade the bed, Dan’s nervous energy was spent and his anger had dissipated. He opened a packet of something salty and popped a crunchy bit of almost food into his mouth. He thought about the conversation from the kitchen and felt guilt and regret sink in until it was a stone in his stomach. Sitting on his bed, opposite the mirror leaning on the wall, he examined his own face. _ Why can’t you let him be happy? He’s done everything for you and you can’t even be honest with him? He’s obviously over you. Stop being such an arrogant prick. You owe him this much.  _ He looked himself in the eye, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” 


	10. Chapter 10

His heart beat out of his chest as he knocked lightly on Phil’s door. There was no answer. “Phil?”

A groggy voice answered, “What do you want, Dan?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” 

“I guess, yeah, come in.” 

Phil was laying down but he pulled himself up to sit against the headboard. He rubbed his eyes, “I need to take my contacts out.” He sounded annoyed and exhausted. 

“Were you napping? I’m really sorry to wake you.” Dan sat at the foot of the bed.

“Dan, I couldn’t be less in the mood for small talk, why are you here?”

“Phil, I need to tell you something.” Dan wanted to run out of there, this felt horrible, but it he couldn’t hide from Phil anymore, not unless he was ok with losing him. “I know you already know but I need you to hear that you aren’t wrong. It’s obvious that I’m not straight, strictly speaking. It’s just... I made a choice about myself a long time ago and I’m not really sure what I am now. I find all kinds of people attractive, I always have but…”  

“None of that matters to me, Dan, you should know that by now. I don’t care about labels and closets and all that. I just want you to be happy.” Phil’s voice was measured, like he was trying to keep it together. “And I’m ready for you to come to terms with yourself, because frankly, I’m tired of being judged.” 

Dan looked perplexed, “judged? What are you talking about? Phil, your like my favorite person in the world. You are literally my role model.”

Phil rolled his eyes, “Ok Dan, you tell yourself whatever you need to in order to get by. But, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m gay. Very very gay, Dan. And you seem to think that that is the worst thing to be.” 

“No, Phil, I don’t, I really don’t. God, I’m so fucking selfish. Dan resisted but tears came anyway. He put his head in his hands and let the catharsis happen. His sobs came in violent waves that rocked his whole body. He pulled his knees up, hugging them and buried his face. Phil moved close to Dan, sitting cross legged, facing him. “Dan. Dan, it’s ok. Please don’t cry. Where is all this coming from today?”

Dan tried to calm down but a damn had broken and there seemed to be no stopping this emotional outburst. He tried to speak, but it came out in a garbled mess. Phil’s voice was soft, “I can’t understand you. Take a breath. I’m right here.” He put a hand on Dan’s and Dan took a quivering breath. He swallowed and tried again, “I just... wanted...to feel safe. But I don’t. And now I’m so scared.”

“You don’t have to be scared Dan. It’s so different now, people are more accepting.”

“I know, I know. Not that.” He stilled himself. “It’s you. I’m scared I’m losing my best friend.”

Phil pried Dan’s hands from his legs and took them in both his own hands. “Dan, you aren’t going to lose me. Ever. No matter what changes or what happens, ok? ”

Dan looked up and saw that Phil’s cheeks were wet. “But I hurt you, and you’re the only person in my broken fucking life that means anything to me.” 

He took Phil’s face in his hands and Phil let him. He stayed that way, staring, trying to read what he might be thinking for some time. He wiped the tears from Phil’s cheeks. They both sat cross legged, their knees touching. Dan let his eyes close, he could still see that sweet face, a face he had memorized long ago, before they’d even met. He traced his left thumb over Phil’s nose just a hair’s width away from his skin. He ghosted past his crooked cupid’s bow and over the fullness of his lips. He knew every curve and angle of this face. Phil sat, stunned, barely breathing as felt the tiny hairs on his skin rustle. Dan traced his path over Phil’s chin and down to the sharp jut of his adam’s apple, letting his thumb come to rest in the notch at the base of Phil’s throat. Dan spread his hand over Phil’s chest and felt the faint edge of a heart beat. Then he opened his eyes abruptly, out of breath like he’d been far away and had to run to catch up to Phil. His eyes darted all around Phil’s face, one hand still on his cheek. “Oh my god.” Dan’s hands shook.  

“Dan, you’re scaring me. Please say something.” 

Dan closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Phil’s until he felt himself melt. Phil’s lips reached gently in response but stayed mostly still. They pulled away from each other only slightly. “I’m.. I’m in love with you, Phil. Oh my god, I’ve wasted so much time.” He peppered Phil with tiny kisses all over his cheeks and chin and nose. “I’m sorry Phil, I’m so sorry.”

Phil reached up to take Dan’s two hands in his own. He looked him square in the eye, breathing through his nose. He refused to cry anymore, not right now.  

“Dan, you’ve been so out of sorts lately. I don’t think you should be making any big decisions or declarations right now. I don’t think you know what you’re saying.” The room was spinning. “ I need to lay down.” Phil scooted back and got under the covers, lying on his side. Dan immediately shuffled in behind him. He wrapped his arms around Phil’s middle and pulled himself close, the big spoon. Nuzzling in to the back of Phil’s hair, Dan breathed deep. 

“Is this OK?’

“Mhhmm” Phil was tense but Dan could feel him starting to soften. 

For the first time in as long as he can remember, Dan didn’t feel angry or afraid. His voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke close to Phil’s ear. 

“You know how I’ve been having all these weird dreams?” He felt Phil nod, his ear brushing Dan’s lips. “You were in every one. In some of them, you were kissing me or touching me or bleeding on me, or fighting your way through the morning glories for me.”

“Morning glories?” 

“Yeah, I’ll tell you that story sometime. But whatever you were doing, one thing was clear. You knew me better than I know myself. You were my safe place. I’m sorry I’m so fucking weird all the time. I’m sorry I can’t seem to do things like a normal person but, I’m awake now. I know exactly what I’m saying and It’s not going to change.”

Phil rolled to face Dan. 

“Dan, I need you to listen to me.” Dan steadied himself. Phil spoke slowly, “I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. And for the last 10 months, I have done everything I could to change that. To starve it, deprive it of oxygen so it would just die already. But then you come to me crying, or you lay your head on my lap, or you bring me coffee and well, it just kept on living. So I thought  ...I thought I'd have to go.” His voice broke. “I was gone Dan, I was ready to start packing.”

He closed his eyes and Dan wondered if he was too late.  

“You can't hurt me Dan. You have to be completely, brutally honest with me. No surprises, no secrets, I won't survive it.”

Dan nodded and threw his arms around Phil’s neck, holding him tight, scared to let go. Years of stifled emotion rushed through him. He felt strong arms wrap around his waist. This was real, this was happening. He whispered in to Phil’s neck, “I love you Phil. I love you. I’m yours. I love you.” 

The voice of reason in Phil’s head pleaded with him, _ don’t do anything rash. You both need time to process this. Take it slow. _ But Phil had waited so long and Dan’s lips were on his neck and he smelled like cedar and grapefruit and cigars that he had never smoked. He pulled back and silently reached for the hem of Dan’s shirt, pulling it up and over his head, then did the same with his own. Dan’s cheeks were flushed, his lips red and parted as he watched Phil’s every move. Phil’s body moved under the covers then Dan felt his fingers on his waistband. Phil pulled down and Dan worked his joggers and pants down and off. They wound themselves around each other, tangled, eager to touch skin to skin anywhere possible. They kissed, long and languid, pausing every so often to just look and touch. Dan let his senses flood with the feel of Phil’s broad chest against his, his tongue in his mouth, his lips on his throat, his sweet scent, and the sound of his sighs. 

Phil’s hands were charged but gentle as they moved down Dan’s back, reveling in every ripple, every bone. He moved down over soft and yielding flesh, kneading and grinding himself into Dan. Dan gasped at the sudden escalation but responded in kind. 

“We should slow down. We don’t have to do this now.” Phil rasped, to himself as much as anyone. Dan shook his head. He had one hand on Phil’s hip and the other raked through his silky black hair.  

“Phil, we have forever to slow down. I can’t get close enough. I need you closer.” He wrapped his hand around to Phil’s lower back and pulled him in desperately. Phil reached behind him and pulled something from the drawer next to his bed. Dan took the opportunity to run his tongue and lips along Phil’s collar bone. Soon, Dan felt a slippery finger, Phil paused, about to ask for permission but Dan spoke first, “Yes, Phil, please.” Phil’s finger slipped inside and his mouth crashed into Dan’s, swallowing his whimpering moans. They kissed and moved, writhing with each other, closing the spaces between them. Phil worked in another finger and gently worked Dan open. He whispered to Dan, “are you ok? Is this ok? I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“You aren’t hurting me. I want this so much, Phil.”

Phil kissed him once more, deeply, then looked him in the eye. “Can you turn around for me?” Prickling heat spread over Dan’s body. He turned over and felt one strong arm slip under his knee, pulling it up. Phil kissed the nape of his neck and he slid himself carefully inside of Dan. Dan’s breath hitched. He’d only ever experienced fingers and this was so intense but being this close to Phil was everything right now.  Once he was deep inside, Phil set Dan’s leg down, their bodies fitting perfectly together. He moved lazily, drinking in the sensation of Dan all around him. Dan arched his back and moved in unison with Phil. He felt Phil’s mouth move to his ear, kissing behind the lobe. Strong fingers gripped Dan’s hips as Phil wrapped a hand around his erection. The sound of skin on skin was delicious, steady like a drum beat behind Phil’s murmuring voice.  “Dan. Dan, my love, you're so good, so fucking good.” Phil tucked his pelvis, pulling Dan against him hard. Dan felt a spark of electricity deep inside him and cried out, drowning in pleasure. Phil stroked Dan, whispering unintelligibly until Dan felt his whole body vibrate. He threw his head back into Phil’s shoulder as he came. Phil followed shortly after, holding Dan tightly to his body. 

They laid, shivering together, the room filled with heat. Dan peeled the blankets off of their sweaty bodies and rolled over. “Is it always going to feel like that?”

Phil laughed fondly, “I hope so.”

Dan smiled, “ I’m starving.” 

Phil handed him his phone, “Order something. I’m not getting out of this bed for three days and neither are you.”   

“As wonderful as that sounds, someone has to answer the door. I’ll do it. Anything for my man.”

“Your man?” Phil grabbed Dan and kissed him wildly.

Dan was giggling and gasping for air when they broke apart. “You’re mine and I’m yours.”

Phil sighed, “ok, love, sounds good to me.”


End file.
